*I’ve since worked out why: It’s largely to do with my comfort levels with casual or group interactions in comparison to one on one conversations. I feel like I can be more open, and more myself if I’m talking to someone one on one… and perhaps it’s the most validating when that involves flirting as it is validating my openness when otherwise that might be an aspect of me that is considered inappropriate.
When I started writing this it was going to be about all the things OpenCon taught me, but I’ve decided put that in a separate post. I started writing some of the things out, and it got quite personal! So I felt like it belonged in a different post, as it had a very different tone to it. So this shall just be about my observations of my experience.
A little discussion with Night, and some thoughts in recent months, have brought me to an interesting conclusion about the problem of “time” when it comes to relationships.
When Night starts having problems it’s my duty to help her sus them out (which I actually quite like to do, believe it or not), and recently she’s been going through some new relationship issues. In the past her boy troubles have been on issues I’ve not been able to relate to (sub blues, uncommunicative closed shut men, etc)… but this time it’s been helping me see how I’ve acted and felt in the past in my relationships. And it’s been revealing to see that I’m not the only one who does these things.
I’ve been thinking about polyamory a lot recently … and in turn thinking about my opinions about monogamy. And I realised something about my ‘poly evangelist‘ post. Whenever I’ve heard it come up they always seem to say that these poly evangelists think they’re special just because they’re poly, and I realised that this doesn’t really have anything to do with them thinking poly is better than mono… but more like thinking poly people are better than mono people. Whereas I’m very much a “don’t hate the player, hate the game” kind of person. I can genuinely understand why more people don’t decide to go off the tracks like we do and make our own rules. And for some people, I think, being different is much harder.
You know, I’m beginning to think I may have been a little hard on myself.
When it was initially pointed out to me that I have a habit of following a pattern in my relationships, I didn’t think to question the idea that any pattern must be unhealthy. I also ended up categorising this “problem” as a male-only issue of mine, when in reality that’s not an entirely fair assumption to make – based on the fact that, in my whole life, I have only had two relationships with women that have lasted more than a week. Although, you may understand why I made that connection when I tell you that those two relationships were/are far far more comfortable than any relationship I’ve ever had with a man. And perhaps that’s a coincidence (I do feel blessed with the relationship with my wife), though it’s also possible that there just aren’t that many males out there who can really fulfil what I need in a relationship.
Lately I’ve been hearing complaints (or more an expression of annoyance I suppose) from fellow polyamorists, about a certain type of poly person, who I have heard named an “poly-evangelists” in this article on polytical. They tend to describe this kind of person by their belief that polyamory is “enlightened” or that it is a better option than monogamy.