A little discussion with Night, and some thoughts in recent months, have brought me to an interesting conclusion about the problem of “time” when it comes to relationships.
If you know me well, you’ll know that a break up I had this year (I’ll call her L) taught me a lot about myself and relationships. Thinking back to when I was with her and how I needed her time just outlined the fact that it wasn’t her “time” I needed. It was something deeper. I needed security. And that felt like such an urgent need that I became quite needy of her time. And needed her to talk to me, effectively, as validation that she was interested in me. This is not something I get with Night OR C right now. And I have significantly less time with C, it doesn’t make me feel deprived – I just feel sad. And if I try to imagine a time where I can’t spend as much quality time with Night as we do now, that wouldn’t make me feel like I *NEED* something… we’d just be sad.
It doesn’t make me insecure that C doesn’t give me much of her time because I know that she wants to, and enjoys it when we do spend time together. Whereas with L I felt like she was constantly distracted… and not particularly interested half the time really.
So it rings alarm bells for me now whenever I hear about, or feel myself, that more time is a “need”. Getting your fair share of someone, that’s understandable… but if it feels like a need in itself… maybe we should ask ourselves whether there’s actually a deeper need that our instincts tell us could be solved, somehow, by MORE TIME with that person.
Something to ponder on, maybe.
When Night starts having problems it’s my duty to help her sus them out (which I actually quite like to do, believe it or not), and recently she’s been going through some new relationship issues. In the past her boy troubles have been on issues I’ve not been able to relate to (sub blues, uncommunicative closed shut men, etc)… but this time it’s been helping me see how I’ve acted and felt in the past in my relationships. And it’s been revealing to see that I’m not the only one who does these things.