[yet another blog that’s been sitting on my evernote unpublished for about a month. apologies]
I was having a conversation with someone recently about this notion that when you get into a relationship with someone, you should do your utmost to STAY THE SAME NO MATTER WHAT. This seems to be a notion that comes from the idea that if you change, your partner may fall out of love with you. Because you have become a different person, and therefore might become someone who is incompatible with the person you’re with. And this idea has got my brain all in a twist.
Perhaps Night and I managed to avoid this romantic ideal purely because we begun our relationship on the cusp of major changes in our lives. At 17, it’s expected that you’re going to change a lot in the next few years of your life. But it also seems that a big part of what we both love about our relationship is the way we actively help one another grow, and become better versions of ourselves. In this conversation I was asked “so you’ve seen each other through various incarnations?”. I really love that phrasing. Incarnations. That’s exactly it! I’m not the same person I was when I met her, she’s very much not the same either. That doesn’t mean I love her any less. In fact, it’s the opposite! I can’t really imagine how it would have somehow forced us apart to do so.
I sort of have the suspicion that it’s actually a separate issue – drifting apart, becoming distant – that’s using the excuse of “changing” to explain what happens. Or in fact! Maybe it’s more that people are constantly changing, regardless of what you do, and that if you become distant for any significant amount of time – that’s what you’ll notice first. That they’ve changed a lot, and that you weren’t there to witness it! And I think not becoming distant, keeping each other as part of your life is a very real and important thing to do to keep your relationship happy! But to try and not to change is not going to fix that problem, and you probably won’t manage it anyway.
It’s actually a really sad though to me, that some people try to do this. To me – the whole point of relationships are to help you grow and change and learn from life. It’s having other people in my life with different experiences that will enrich my human experience that makes me feel happy and fulfilled. And the idea that some people are deliberately trying to avoid this upsets me. What’s more, I really enjoy being that for other people – and watching people I like a lot to begin with, grow and blossom into better, more healthy, happier people. That’s just awesome. And I mean that in the traditional sense of the word.