I’ve been thinking about polyamory a lot recently … and in turn thinking about my opinions about monogamy. And I realised something about my ‘poly evangelist‘ post. Whenever I’ve heard it come up they always seem to say that these poly evangelists think they’re special just because they’re poly, and I realised that this doesn’t really have anything to do with them thinking poly is better than mono… but more like thinking poly people are better than mono people. Whereas I’m very much a “don’t hate the player, hate the game” kind of person. I can genuinely understand why more people don’t decide to go off the tracks like we do and make our own rules. And for some people, I think, being different is much harder.
I was always kind of an outcast – and not even in a normal way. And since I can remember, I embraced my dissimilarity. It got me out of all sorts of mental scrapes. For example, when the teacher would shout at the whole class at school I would tell myself – this isn’t for me. And if some kid tried to tease me for being different I would just laugh and tell them that they’re simply envious. I was kind of an arrogant kid, it’s true – but at least I was being myself. And now, being bisexual (or… perhaps, just not straight, or even non-monosexual) and being poly and being just generally unusual – it’s not a big deal, it’s not going to make a huge difference to me now if I decide to add another quirk. For people who spent school trying to fit in and keep their heads down I imagine it’s a very different story. I couldn’t begin to imagine the inner turmoil that might occur if they (like our first boyfriend) found themselves choosing between normality and (for simplicity’s sake lets say…) love.
And in addition to all of that monogamy is way easier. But it’s my belief that it puts a stopper on your relationship – it can only go so far and you can never really be free. And when our humanity seems to suggest that there’s nothing more important than relationships, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s totally worth it for that extra freedom and relationship health – if you can manage it.
I’m not saying all poly relationships are healthy of course they’re not. But I think the level of potential healthiness is higher in poly relationships for the simple reason that you are not denying the fact that sometimes – I don’t care how much you love each other – you’re going to fancy other people. And I believe that is a pretty irrefutable fact. If there are people out there who genuinely never have feelings for more than one at a time then they’re definitely in a very small minority. The rest are just in denial about it.