We recently had our boyfriend visit us for a few days and it’s made me question a few things about myself. So I’m going to talk a little bit about, in a very broad sense, my sexuality. And by ‘a broad sense’ I mean I’m not exclusively talking about gender here (like the word usually suggests), it’s more general than that. I feel like I may have covered some of these topics before… but I don’t want to disturb my flow by looking back right now. So forgive me if there is tautology.
Recently I’ve been noticing that I have a very low or short-lived desire for sex. I can’t quite decide whether this is a new thing, caused by my current emotional state, or if it’s something that is integral to my life in general. Someone once said something along the lines of “how do you expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself”, and I think it’s very true. Lately I’ve not been loving myself so much, and I’ve been particularly glossing over the way I look in recent months. So it kinda makes sense that my drive has been low of late if I don’t really feel like a sexy person. It doesn’t matter how sexy my lovers think I am, insecurity always wins right?…
I have noticed a slight pattern though with relationships in the past. I tend to lose my lust for someone after we’ve been together for some time. It varies of course with each person, but generally I will be more interested in some new person than someone I’ve been with already. I think this is probably true of everyone though really… yeah… that’s probably not the soul cause of this… Though now I think about it, when you’ve slept with someone a few times already you tend to put a little less effort into seducing them as you did on the first time. And I’ve noticed that I tend to enjoy the build up more than the sex itself. The flirting, the teasing, the playful banter – it’s all so much sexier and more interesting than the bit where you’re “doing stuff” to each other. Am I the only one who gets bored? So I guess I just don’t see the point without the beginning bit… or at least a significant amount of it. So I just end up feeling like it’s all too much effort and I’d rather be watching youtube videos.
Some part of me wishes I could be as sex crazed as everyone else seems to be. Sometimes it feels like I’m letting the side down, and maybe even missing out a bit.