So there’s this guy, one of Night’s lovers (though I used to be involved too), who every time he’s brought up always seems to spark an unresolved argument between us. I don’t really talk to this guy anymore, lets call him Jez, because I got so fed up of not being able to say whatever I wanted to him. It just seemed to make the most sense for me not to try at all.
The situation is, in a nutshell, this: Night cares quite deeply about Jez, and from the start she has done all she can to make sure I don’t “mess it all up” for her. And Jez isn’t exactly the most communicative person… So from the start Night made it clear to me that all communication between me and Jez must be overlooked and monitored (thought police for communication). Now this isn’t exactly a new situation with us. And to be honest it’s not un-called for. I’ve certainly contributed to a break up of hers in the past by trying to talk to a non-communicator and it got me no-where. So it makes sense that I stay out of this one. But the problem here is that it’s still going on, vaguely unhealthily, and I feel quite left out. So if we ever discuss the idea of me hanging out with them (sometimes the idea of the 5 of us, baby and wife included, comes up) it always ends up in me realising that if I ever saw him again I’d want to straighten things out… but that’s just not allowed. So I end up resenting the pair of them for excluding me for wanting to be healthy and communicative [shakes fist in the air]
But this kinda got me thinking… they obviously both manage to genuinely enjoy their relationship without ever communicating how they feel about anything (though there may be a fair portion of inner turmoil), so why do I feel so utterly disconcerted when I can’t communicate the way I want to. I literally feel like in any relationship, if you can’t communicate, it’s not a relationship. It’s two people looking at each other and thinking about stuff. I suppose this might be because in comparison to the two of them I am much much less interested in sex. I guess their relationship must be fairly exclusively based around their sex life… And I could completely understand that logically (though I can’t relate), if that were the case. The thing is, it isn’t. I couldn’t tell you how he feels (because he’s a big old non-communicator!!) but I know for certain that it’s not just sex for Night.
I guess my point is that if you’re going to have a relationship with no communication then you’re dooming it to never be anything more than about sex.
My secondary partner gave me an observation about my attitude towards communication once. He said that I feel my most vulnerable when I can’t communicate properly. I think he’s pretty much right, if I can’t explain how I feel accurately then I run the risk of being mis-treated. One of my main motivations in life is to be understood, and I feel pretty ridiculous if people don’t understand me.
I feel like I’m not being particularly articulate today. And maybe it’s unfair to include other people’s personal matters in my blog. So I might take it down. But it’s also possible if I do that it’s because of the speech police.
Freedom of speech bitches!!