All the cool kids are doing it, so I thought I’d add an ask box to this blog. So there’s now a new page up ^there^ where you can submit your questions. Ask away! Don’t be shy.
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Absence & Introspections
I’ve not written in here for a while, and I feel like I left it on a low note – so apologies to any readers for that. I considered taking this blog down at one point, I’m worried it isn’t how I feel about things anymore – but I’m yet to go and read over, so I think that might just be what happens when you leave a creative endeavour to simmer for a period of time.
I’ve done a lot of introspection over the last few months, but most of my (as I now call it) “Processing” has ended up on my evernote, to be seen by no-one… or to be one day hastily sent to a girlfriend… or ex girlfriend :-p
However, I did recently post a new User Manual on my okcupid for the world to see. My old one (for those of you who saw it) was starting to feel a little irrelevant. I’m not sure if this is actually any better, or any more personal to me. The wife says it seems like common sense stuff. And I’m not sure I put enough effort into it really. I do, however, like the User Manual-ness of it all, it’s all organised and stuff lol… But I’m all sorts of torn. So opinions would be appreciated, if there is anyone reading this.
Truth Is
The last post was just a bit too raw and, to be frank, mean to post.
So I wrote a song about it instead:
Protected: Never Again!
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Is it a choice?
This is a question that I have been pondering on today after discussion on facebook. We’ve all heard that argument on non-heterosexuality about it not being a choice and it being something we can’t help. Sometimes people do the same for non-monogamy and talk about it being a choice. There does seem to be this tendency to compare polyamory to sexuality, after all you could technically label it under the parachute term “sexuality” if you really wanted to… but I don’t think it’s quite as simple to compare being poly to being gay. At first glance you can see the similarities – gay people are in the minority against straight people, poly people are similarly outnumbered by the norm. However, if you boil it down to simple desires things seem a little different.
You don’t have to look far to see how the majority of monogamous people struggle to be monogamous. Yet they are still regarded as monogamous because they choose to be… you probably wouldn’t say the same of a straight person struggling to be straight. So for the sake of argument lets just say for a second that anyone who struggles to be monogamous isn’t “innately monogamous” – it doesn’t come naturally to them, they have to force it. Just like a non-straight person who wants to be straight would have to force that.
Now we’ve established that the majority of people struggle with monogamy in some way… I would say all (because I’ve never encountered this mythical natural monogamist), but there may well be exceptions. I’d go more into why I see it this way, but I feel like I’ve already discussed that before. If you really want some proof that we’re not naturally monogamous though go and read Sex At Dawn… anyway… So if we’re using the comparison to homosexuality then it’s like almost everyone is gay but they’re living a lie. So it does seem a bit silly to compare the two.
So if most of us are innately that way then what are we really “choosing” or not? Perhaps it is just the choice of being yourself and being honest about it or not. Deciding not to deny your own desires.
Personally I saw it more as choosing polyamory because I believe it’s healthier and more honest… but that really is just a logic thing. It’s a choice I’m very glad of - I wouldn’t want anyone to believe I am just doing what comes naturally without thinking about it. It’s an informed choice, and like they often say of monogamy, one I make every day.
Jealousy as a symptom of monogamy
I’m afraid it’s become a bit of a thing now, bashing monogamy. But I just can’t shake the opinion that it’s doing nothing good for society right now. Maybe it was a good change once upon a time when we lived in an alpha-male-rules kind of structure. Monogamy is clearly a more equal opportunities kind of arrangement when you compare it to the apes (though maybe not the bonobos! They’re a whole other thing). The other males have a chance to mate and eventually the women even have control. But I think it’s about time things changed again, it’s kind of surprising that they haven’t already. You can probably blame religion for playing it’s role in that.
But now, this is what I came here to talk about:
Jealousy
I was thinking last night in bed how, although I know it still happens to the best of us, jealousy is kind of a monogamous way of thinking about things. When I say this I’m talking about the kind of jealousy that is defined simply like this: Fear of losing someone to someone else. Rather than the kind of jealousy, that’s not really jealousy, just insecurity presenting itself in a possessive or controlling way … you know, when you’re feeling wobbly but you don’t know how to express it so you punish your partner. Not the best really… but that’s not what I’m talking about here (it gets all confusing if you don’t narrow it down). This jealousy is simple and logical and thinks of relationships in a very business like manner.
Serial monogamy teaches us that our partners represent what we are worth, and what we deserve. You look for that one person who is good enough and then stick with them until something better comes along. Partners fill a need and a purpose. Whereas, the way I see it, relationships should be based on love and mutual respect – not what we can “get” from/out of them.
Jealousy comes from an insecurity based on feeling like you are a commodity that is objectively worth more or less than another. So if you’re afraid that your partner has found a “better version” then you get jealous, because you could lose your partner right? In monogamy this can occasionally be accurate, but it’s not the case for polyamory – so why do we still struggle with it. Relationships more often than not end for a reason from within the relationship, not because someone else came along – and certainly not if you’re poly.
Would jealousy even exist if we all saw ourselves as individual and not comparable in this way? How is it even relevant if your partner lusts for someone else if you already believe or worry that you are losing them otherwise?
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Sorry if that was a bit incoherent, I guess I just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Feel free to debate this with me.
I answered my own question
I’ve been thinking about polyamory a lot recently … and in turn thinking about my opinions about monogamy. And I realised something about my ‘poly evangelist’ post. Whenever I’ve heard it come up they always seem to say that these poly evangelists think they’re special just because they’re poly, and I realised that this doesn’t really have anything to do with them thinking poly is better than mono… but more like thinking poly people are better than mono people. Whereas I’m very much a “don’t hate the player, hate the game” kind of person. I can genuinely understand why more people don’t decide to go off the tracks like we do and make our own rules. And for some people, I think, being different is much harder.
I was always kind of an outcast – and not even in a normal way. And since I can remember, I embraced my dissimilarity. It got me out of all sorts of mental scrapes. For example, when the teacher would shout at the whole class at school I would tell myself – this isn’t for me. And if some kid tried to tease me for being different I would just laugh and tell them that they’re simply envious. I was kind of an arrogant kid, it’s true – but at least I was being myself. And now, being bisexual (or… perhaps, just not straight, or even non-monosexual) and being poly and being just generally unusual – it’s not a big deal, it’s not going to make a huge difference to me now if I decide to add another quirk. For people who spent school trying to fit in and keep their heads down I imagine it’s a very different story. I couldn’t begin to imagine the inner turmoil that might occur if they (like our first boyfriend) found themselves choosing between normality and (for simplicity’s sake lets say…) love.
And in addition to all of that monogamy is way easier. But it’s my belief that it puts a stopper on your relationship – it can only go so far and you can never really be free. And when our humanity seems to suggest that there’s nothing more important than relationships, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s totally worth it for that extra freedom and relationship health – if you can manage it.
I’m not saying all poly relationships are healthy of course they’re not. But I think the level of potential healthiness is higher in poly relationships for the simple reason that you are not denying the fact that sometimes – I don’t care how much you love each other – you’re going to fancy other people. And I believe that is a pretty irrefutable fact. If there are people out there who genuinely never have feelings for more than one at a time then they’re definitely in a very small minority. The rest are just in denial about it.
You can have it all
I was just watching a clip of some daytime TV show where they were arguing monogamy vs non-monogamy, and as usual – our team was vastly outnumbered, and as always – constantly talked over. But the host did bring up an idea that made me think about my approach to relationships – that you can have it all. I like polyamory for many reasons, but for me it’s just always seemed like less of a compromise than any other way of doing things. I’m sure many of us can agree that there are great things about being single and great things about being in a relationship, so why not combine them?
Anyway, I’m getting slightly side-tracked as usual. The presenter said something along the lines of; “When you enter into a monogamous relationship you are trading that denial and repression for the security, love, future etc that you can get out of that arrangement”. I wasn’t particularly impressed with the argument opposing this statement so I made up my own; it’s not a fair trade. You can have all of those things without denying yourself anything! And I do.
A little self-awareness
You know, I’m beginning to think I may have been a little hard on myself.
When it was initially pointed out to me that I have a habit of following a pattern in my relationships, I didn’t think to question the idea that any pattern must be unhealthy. I also ended up categorising this “problem” as a male-only issue of mine, when in reality that’s not an entirely fair assumption to make – based on the fact that, in my whole life, I have only had two relationships with women that have lasted more than a week. Although, you may understand why I made that connection when I tell you that those two relationships were/are far far more comfortable than any relationship I’ve ever had with a man. And perhaps that’s a coincidence (I do feel blessed with the relationship with my wife), though it’s also possible that there just aren’t that many males out there who can really fulfil what I need in a relationship.
I’ve been thinking a lot recently about what I need in my relationships, and perhaps more relevantly – what I’ve not been getting from the ones that haven’t worked out. I think I must have made the assumption that all of these failed relationships were down to me freaking out and running away from my problems. And after a little observation I realised that it was much more that I wasn’t getting what I needed and didn’t feel like I could be myself around them anymore. And this has happened time and again, and all (I believe) because I just wasn’t getting the right amount or quality of communication that I need for my relationships to flourish.
I came to this conclusion because of the fact that Night admitted to not really needing that much communication in her relationships to feel quite happy. Until recently I thought this was an absurd notion, and she must be in denial about something… I still wonder, but the fact of the matter is – we’re all different, and who am I to judge what other people need. This brought me around to the idea that maybe it’s me that’s different in this area, and that maybe I just need more communication than most people tend to need in relationships. And I don’t see anything wrong with that, in fact it makes a lot of sense. As soon as I started to think about this it was fairly clear that I leap out of relationships as soon as I can see that communication is not good enough. Sometimes it’s because they refuse to talk about certain things, or sometimes they’re just not capable of the level of openness I need because they just don’t understand themselves well enough to really discuss and analyse the things I need to.
Recently, I was asked if I had any ‘dealbreakers’. A few months ago I may not have known quite what to say to this, but it seemed fairly relevant to all my recent musings. So I compiled the following list of dealbreakers based on my experience with initial chemistry and then what I need for a functional relationship (and naturally what problems I have encountered in recent relationships):
- no sex appeal,
- too insecure,
- too assertive or stubborn,
- has pride issues
- not willing to communicate,
- not able to communicate due to lack of self-awareness,
The first two are fairly exclusively to do with my ability to be attracted to someone, the first one’s fairly obvious, and the second one is fairly subjective. We all have insecurities, but it depends how it affects your ability to function healthily whether this will be a problem. Besides, you have to possess a certain level of security to be able to flirt well in the first place.The next two are to do with people’s ability to have calm discussions about sensitive topics. I don’t function well in a competitive debate, and I end up feeling inept after the fact which in itself tends to snowball if the behaviour continues. So I need people to be completely open-minded and not too invested in their ‘argument’ or I just won’t share my opinions at all.
And then these last two are fairly obvious. To me – emotional bonding is based on a deep understanding of each other and I find having analytical discussions about emotions to be a very intimate and necessary experience. I learn a lot about myself through these experiences and growing together can be an incredible experience. So anything that hinders my ability to do this will effectively limit my ability to bond with my partner at all. I think these two points cover the large majority of scenarios in which the possibility for sufficient communication is unlikely based on their personality. Also, a lack of self-awareness is a complete turn off when I first meet someone. I need to feel on the same level as my partner.
This also brings me to my last topic, which is my ‘user manual’. I don’t know how many of you know about cunningminx’s idea to write your own user manual (I’m pretty sure it’s her idea, i’ve not managed to find it anywhere else)… but the general idea is to write a basic guide about ‘how to date me’. I’m tempted to put mine online like minx did, but I think if I do decide to do that I would leave out all the sexual stuff. I prefer to have one-on-one conversations about these things, it can be a very sensitive issue for me (more so than most I think). But the main section that has been gaining additions over the last few months is “How I work emotionally”. I think this is fascinating, because it puts into simple terms the things I think about a lot in so much detail.
So here’s that section for you (more bullet points I’m afraid people):
“ Part B – How I work emotionally
I need to feel:
- Empowered!
- Respected and appreciated (not for my actions, but for my identity)
- Not excluded – I need to feel invited, but not necessarily included
- Like I have space, time, and am not being pressured. I function happily only in a relaxed environment
- Free to speak my mind and like people are interested in what I have to say
- Able to express my opinion without provoking a strong reaction.
- Understood
- Opened up to and trusted
- Able to bond through a mutual sharing of thoughts/feelings/problems ”
… I guess that’s it for now. The user manual feels like it needs a fair bit of work really, but it’s proving a fairly useful tool and a good space to write things when I feel like I need to explain myself succinctly.
I know it’s not pretty.
It’s not easy to hate someone. You have to hide it from everyone, because if you let it out and bitched about them on twitter or facebook like you really wish you could – then people would suddenly think less of you. But sometimes I really want to. It just really bugs me when people are so insecure that they go completely the other way. I get like that sometimes, so maybe that’s why it bothers me… but I know I’m not this bad and at least I recognise it in myself.
I can see through your big ego. You doubt yourself more than you realise, and its not pretty to see you so deep in denial. I’ll try and be the bigger person, but god – sometimes it’s overwhelming how irritated you make me.
